grandmaster_edx's Xanga

"Don't Hold Back Your Tears"

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 18:49:04 GMT

Omg do you know how long it took me to finally get this post together? Besides the point that it's been almost a year, I haven't signed in to post on Xanga in so long, so I was thoroughly surprised and confused with the new editing setup, I swear it took me at least an hour just to figure out where all the settings I actually need compared to the rest of the other plentiful options on this thing, my internet skills have feel off so hard, I admit, but yeah I've been wanting to start a fresh blog anyway dakara sa...shit I'm having a hard time with my english here, ok yeah so this blog if not already dead will be soon.

Anyways, it's funny cause for a long time I've felt like I had so much to say, and then I finally get on here and I feel like I'm on Showcase at the Apollo in a baby blue 80's tuxedo and my Superfly S curl hair about to sing some corny 80's R&B song, nervous as hell cause the audience is like "Come on Tito Jackson!" I don't know, I had it planned out before I came on here, what the hell happened. I was suppose to log on, change the background; which I failed miserably at cause what ever skeme i had in mind looks crazy as hell, say, you know "hey what's up, it's been a while, this happened, that happened, blah blah blah, Japan blah blah blah, Never coming home again blah blah blah, and here I am now. Something like that...?Yeah but I can't even be serious about it, got the serious title and everything, but really right now I'm laughing at myself on the inside so hard lol it's like 5 in the morning, i have to get ready for class, and I haven't even slept, at least I did my homework THIS TIME, which goes to show you that yes, somethings are still the same, or least remnants of. But yeah don't let this post fool you, this past year studying abroad has been, one of the greatest times, and very serious time, in gaining clarification and understanding of not just what, but how I want to live my life, pretty much a better sense of direction I can grasp, and now spend more time working towards that life instead of worrying most of the time if I'm going anywhere at all. I was trying to stay away from making this entry into some epic, but yeah I guess that's just my style of blogging, like I'm telling some epic or something, but I guess who doesn't like stories? Ok, now I'm just wasting time, my point is this time in Japan has meant a tremendous amount to me, and omg there's so much I want to say but it's just not coming out in words. Maybe it just wasn't meant for words this time, sorry my dears, maybe next time, probably another blog. Yeah, I really feel like dancing right now, I have songs in my head for dayz...on yeah, "Don't Hold Back Your Tears" by Jazztronik, they are so dope. I don't think I can hold back tears any longer anyway.

OK! This was long overdue, but I was tagged to write 8 random things about me(?) so here we go, this might be hard (where's my Letterman countdown drum roll?):

8. I don't like banana's, cheesecake, all pies (i like the crust though), some other cakes, puddings, etc. (it's more of a texture problem than with the flavors, and a little childhood trauma)

7. In second grade for my science project I made a "robot" from toys and aluminum foil, mind you it did absolutely nothing, and somehow I got a good grade for that crap. Yeah, i think my mind was definitely somewhere else then.

6. I could really go for some popcorn right now. I'm sorry, this is harder than I thought.

Ok sorry about this, I just fell asleep for like an hour also, I'll try another time.

His and Her Circumstances

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 09:41:01 GMT

Call me "Deacon Blues." I had a lot of time today to let her words sink in. And yeah, it hurts. Once again I come to question my intentions, and what is actually seen from the surface. No need to recognize or create any more validations, my erred reasoning is beyond believable. My heart trembles. I have let you down. I only do what I know, because I have never made it this far, yet it only takes one time. "Close, but no cigar." Story of my life. Maybe because I hold no expectations, live off of unpromising tomorrows. Sometimes I hope I never sleep again. Sometimes I hope I'll go to sleep forever. All or nothing, they say, all or nothing...I wouldn't have it any other way. I lay awake in darkness.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 12:49:48 GMT

I know I should be sleep, I have a busy day ahead tomorrow, but this weekend I have been moved...how do you deal with life when you get the most deadly curve ball possible? This is not about me, but I just couldn't imagine, or really have taken the time out to think, if I had to deal with cancer or something to that degree, or even worse recurring or terminal illness, what outlook I would have. All I can do is thank God I am blessed to be healthy, but at the same time it is really sad, especially when it hits close to home. My grandma's family decided to throw a "Celebration of Life" party this whole weekend on my Aunt's block. I only got to go Saturday evening because of work, but those few hours were definitely worth it. I swear it might as well been a family reunion, probably was in disguise, as I saw so many of my older cousins I hadn't seen in a long time. Even my Aunt Jackie came, if she comes it must be something big, cause she lives in Texas. I was like daaaaaaammmmnnnnn...where all these kids come from! Then I heard music coming from my other aunt's driveway, and you know that was it for me. The DJ was killin it, jammin all these old skool hits, I had no choice but to boogie woogie. Honestly I try not to show off, but when good music calls, I'm sorry I have to answer and we had a beautiful conversation that night. I finally proved to my stepdad I can actually step, he used to tease me about it, but that night he just watched in amazement. I guess I am new skool with old skool flavor, that's just the "old man ed" in me. Now my older cousins think I'm "all grown up," they "slept" on me for the longest time, but that's cool at the same time I understand while they were chillin on the playground I was chillin in the playpen or something, but I was there lol.

So I missed basically most of "Taking It To The Streets," when I rode by on the bus, there were a bunch of peeps out there, so tempted to hop off and check it out but I had to go to work. I went to check it out after work, but it was already over, I really wanted to see Lupe Fiasco, Brother Ali, Fabel and all of them, I know the event was probably dope as hell. Oh well, so I'm walking through the event while it's being torn down and I run into this dude with a Zulu Nation puttin some knowledge on these young kats and I just listened, man he was on point, talkin bout the real gansta's then and dude's now who wanna be's, wanksta's, callin rapper's out on all this trash talking, especially T.I., conspiracies, etc. Basically this dude moved me, and so now I feel so much energy, and I can't say too much, all I can is do. You'll will see what's up.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 11:46:58 GMT

feelin a little stressed out, my head was killin me, only because I had to play out like every "worst" case scenario in my head for some reason it's become a habit from high school I don't know why, but right now it's not helping me out so much, more self-defeating than anything. Just at least one word, some type of news, that's all I needed for it to stop the headache so I could sleep and concentrate. I think I really need a drink right now...make that a few.

Dedicated To...

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 15:26:19 GMT

What it do? It's that time again, the time of a new year, happy 2007 folks. I don't know what to say, this past semester flew by with the quickness, and now I'm just chillin in the Chi waiting for the next one. It definitely felt good to be back to enjoy the barren, cracked concrete weed filled lots surrounding nearby train tracks, and naked trees huddled together to survive what I must say was the best winter weather we've had in a while, high 30's and 40's, albeit we'll pay for it later. Yeah, I love all of Chicago, and I especially have a deep appreciation for it's isolate, neglected corners I find very comforting. They have grown and live in me. Coming home, I kind of had a hard time reconnecting with the family, but eventually I came around. The most memorable moment of these past couple weeks is when my grandfather "Superfly" woke me up early in the morning with one of his angry calls after I had been out all night, to help him drive a car out to Blue Island and back. Somehow I managed to stay awake as I drove there and back to the shop, where since it was the day before Christmas eve, usually on days before holidays, or even just at the end of a week, at the auto shop the workers and who else is ever there have a drink, so Superfly, Stoney and I end up drinking, normal arguments over nothing persue, and we get ready to leave. It's just so funny to me because growing up at the shop I use to just watch as the "grown-ups" would drink and talk loud and be merry while I enjoy a bag of chips or something, and now here I was bonding over Courvoisier. After that, I wasn't so tired anymore .

The rest of the break hasn't been bad either, been chillin with Mars B and we got to hit up the buffett on New Years Eve, also went over Sparky Marky's with DK and chill with the Boogie Knights crew and more, even ol' Lady Red and Pat passed through. I've mostly been babysitting my lil sis and cleaning, trying to get rid of old clothes and stuff I still have from grade school, shame on me. Every time I go through that stuff, I can't help but laugh at my old writings and drawings, even my bad grades. It's funny to see how much relevance all that stuff has to the today me. I guess that what xanga does for me also. Going through my old posts, it's funny to see how goofy I was at times, how much I complained and made a battle out of some of my self-inflicted problems. All the things I said about starting a revolution, and buying a camcorder to make stupid funny movies, becoming a more organized person, I laugh because I can still see that goofy inside me. Even if I stop blogging, this journal would stand as a testament to help me remember things I hadn't even thought of for the longest until I read it, and appreciate and be thankful especially for the great people I've been able to be surrounded by. I just want to thank everyone, so many people too many names but you know who you are, Mars B, Agent Simon, Mark Awesome, from OG12 and below, to the Mod Fuckin Squad, DDR friends and peeps, Dysfunct Fam, PSA and ates, UC Hip Hop heads, Iced Chedda (MFA all day), EALC fam, Boogie Knights, Allen Hall fam, Bennie Ben and Korean fam, LBGT fam, ISR fam, damn too much fam, but damn I could go on all damn day >_<! and everyone in between and what not, I feel very lucky to have been able to be apart or know and meet you all and your friends, I swear you all make a piece of me. Unfortunately I will be graduating later than sooner, but hell, why wait til then, even though it was kinda vague it'll do for now. Time to go to sleep, to the darkness I return.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 18:46:09 GMT

Lots of things happening, transitions within the transitions, keyholes are alining. Many thoughts impatiently await some form of expression, action. Slowly I move towards some sense of direction.

This semester is something else. Recently I've felt a little disengaged from school, but what semester at one point am I not a little disengaged? As much as I may bash college and say how much I don't like about it, I admit it still is a great place to foster a sense of self and the world we are in, and of course opportunities that others could only dream of. That's why I'm still here, otherwise if I hated college that much, I could just leave and get a 9 to 5. I may not be the best student grade wise, but give me something I can become passionate about and I can rock it. I'm really loving the discourse classes I'm taking on the advant-garde in Japan and modern Chinese literature. Discussing the problems in history and what they mean for today's world, sometimes the perspective is depressing, but it's real. For both classes we make online post every week, and one week one of my professors commented that I understood the concepts behind modernity and the artists work, but my posts were beginning to sound like "rote learning," or mechanized learning. Yeah, go figure. After taking all these engineering classes for the past 2 and 1/2 years, their way of learning is starting to catch up with me. I really don't want to fall into thinking habits, because it gives you a false sense of actually knowing something, when I don't know jack squat(nothing). And then we start categorizing everything according to the way we think we understand how things work. Nevertheless, that's a big part of how the world works...I think. I'm not saying all stereotypes are bad, just the way we use them in our mind and actions that can make them negative.

So lately I've been wondering about my current major in EALC and how it relates to X. I have an idea of what I want to do, but what relevance does it have to my life? It's funny when I look at the professors and grad students above me in my major, how EALC becomes their life, I admire some of the older professors because they don't just teach, but they were also there apart of the history we discuss, so they're very passionate about the material and its relevance. I'm definitely not knocking grad students, I'm thinking about grad school myself. It's just funny though how we may stay in school for like 10 years studying this stuff just to basically end up back in school to teach it. I want to be a teacher, but I don't want to limit myself to EALC, and for sure I will return to school for something else. For now EALC is my ticket out of this country. I'm not studying to become an expert on anybody else's life, better to see from other's perspectives, and help anyone as much as I can. We all have battles on different levels. For those less fortunate, the struggle to survive everyday, battles of circumstance, to personal battles, battles of the mind, etc. It's hard enough just trying to live our own lives, go to school, get a job, please your family etc., so why worry about others? Only His love can truly understand. What if we don't like the system? Only "true revolution can come from all sides." And the lessons keep coming and coming and coming."Once you pop, the fun don't stop!"

Friday, September 29, 2006

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 22:08:24 GMT

Damn. Damn it all. This past Wednesday I got up on time to go to class, but while studying for one, in the end I decided to skip them all. I don't know why I can't let it go. We all know or will know eventually how much life sucks, and I recognize a lot of people feel just as or even more lonely and bitter as I am, so I know we are not alone. It just makes me angry, every time I think or hear of some uncontrollable situation nearby, or across the world that I can't help bring justice or some kind of peace to. I know perfectly well that there are some things you can't control, especially the past, and that's fine, but the bitterness of life, I just can't let it go. It doesn't help that I keep reading these depressing fictitious political stories in my Chinese literature class that took place during the imperial and Japanese invasion of China. I know they're not real, but they are good stories based off of things that did long already happen, they just move me so much that I have this energy that builds up but then I have to remember that it's history, but that energy remains pinned up. I'm not mad at anyone in particular, but I think my bitterness is just a combination of little things I can't even remember anymore, from the time I was a baby and my mother took my bottle of Cambodian milk away, to the time my neighbors stole my scooter, my cousins did the sharpshooter on me and wouln't give my streetfighter II championship edition for sega back, my aunt's death, uncle and cousin (ironically father and son) getting shot, on and on and on, can't stop won't stop, you get the picture. Lots of things that we think don't affect our mentality, but do to some level.

Sometimes I wonder if this college is really worth it. Does anyone remember those commercials with the comedian Sinbad and the message was always, "knowledge is power," huh? Well obviously they really didn't take happiness into account that much either. When I think about this situation, music comes to mind. We know there's a lot of good quality music out there in different genres and their derivatives, even in pop. However, along with all that quality music you have those songs that were...you know, just made basically to get your juke/grind on at the club and what not. Even if you listen to mostly underground Hip Hop, and one friday you decide to go to Joe's with some friends and hit up the dance floor, if instead of playing Little Brother they start playing Young Joc's "I Know You See It," if the rest of your friends are dancing all drunk about it and having fun, you're not gonna get all righteous and be like wtf and walk off the dance floor. You're gonna dance with them, and hell, you'll probably start singing along too! People who go to the club don't care what they listen too for the most part, as long as it "sounds" good, and they're having a good time with their friends and what not. And when you look at it, the only thing that really matters are those interpersonal relationships we have with people that make us who we are. No matter how you look at it, the only way we can define ourselves is through other people. It is our friends, family, and others indirectly who affect our circumstances and maybe goals in life. Those same interpersonal relationships that help us tolerate the bitterness of life. I'll let it go, for now. Hopefully I can keep helping others tolerate it also. Man, I suck at running in the rain.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 14:24:37 GMT

Man, summer break is almost over, people moving from apartments, leaving Chambana to go home before Fall semester begins, or in some cases leaving Chambana for good. Relative to a full semester summer has been ok. Bboying has improved, school has improved, running is good, and I still have a job even if it's not the best job with the best hours and pay, it works. Even though I'm still not where I would like to be, I'm thankful and accepting of my position right now, cause I know things could be a lot worse. I'm not going to say where I should be, because the way life works, I could be in a lot of places. But I'm not. I'm here, still in Chambana, and I will attempt to make the best of it. Too bad as of now I'm homeless for Fall semester cause I don't have enough money to throw down for an apartment yet, but I'm not really worried because I'm sure things will work out, just not the way I intended. I'm definitely feeling this next semester, a lot of my friends are on their grind, and that just motivates me even more to go that extra mile this Fall. If not busy, Fall semester will be very interesting.

Even though I'm taking classes this summer, I still got to chill in Chi-town and Chambana, much love and thanks to my stepfather for letting me use his car. Also thanks to his car, I've had 2 flats and 2 tire separations while driving 75mph on the expressway, all on trips back to Chicago. These were not exactly great experiences to have, especially when there's a strong chance for you to either lose control and have major accidents, or get struck by a vehicle while trying to put your spare on in pitch darkness. I kept my cool though, and I'm still alive today to talk about it so I guess that's a good thing. Damn right I got all new tires! DARKNESSES! DARKNESSES! Got to chill with Mark, Adam, Boogie Knights crew and the gang on the Northside, hit up my girl on the far Northside, and of course my crazy family and HS friends. Other than that I haven't done any traveling, which I wish I did, but my pockets said no. I was going to post pics on here, but my computer sucks and I'm too lazy to deal with it, so I'll eventually post them on facebook and somewhere else I suppose.

So last weekend I took a solo trip to Chicago since my grandma had been sick ( also when I had my last tire incident) and it was an amusing weekend. And of course the highlight of the weekend involves my grandfather, cause there just is no going back home without him (or even my little sister, who was out of town) saying or doing something so funny. I went to his house to visit after coming from my aunt and grandma's house before getting ready to come back to Chambana, and this dude and his wife offers me a beer, even though they know I gotta go pick my mom up from work and drive back. Long story short, I got tipsy with my grandfather on some beer and moonshine, which was hilarious, because we were watching the local news, and then all of a sudden we were arguing topics, and they were making some funny comments. Man he never fails to make my day. Checked out National Hip Hop Convention which was held near 39th and Cottage Grove. I assume once it started to rain there wouldn't be too many people out there since the convention was outdoors, it was aight. The Down By Law battle was a little wack since I couldn't really see what was happening on stage, and after that went to my aunt's anniversary party at her house, where I got to chill with some of my older cousins I don't see too often. It was ok, I felt kinda out of the mix though between my older and younger cousins, and the adults, just no one to really relate to since those groups were on their own thing. My older cousins still think I'm that little quiet boy that "get's straight A's" all the time in school and does no wrong, and I hate it. First of all, I've never got straight A's in my life. Came close, but almost doesn't count. And second, I just wish they would open their mind a little and try to get to know me a little more, but you know, they are older and they spent more time growing up with each other even though I was around, so it's understandable. And ah, the woes of being in a relationship. I guess there really is "a thin line between love in hate," but only because we make it that way. I hate petty arguments, but they happen. The relationship is growing though, and I'm willing to take chances, you never know what you might miss out on. Last saturday I ran 14 miles straight down Lake Shore Dr., from like Belmont to the Museum and back, took me 2 hours and 2 min. Not bad for a beginner runner, but if I want to get competitive next year, I would basically have to cut that time in half, and that's just crazy.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Thu, 25 May 2006 06:10:04 GMT

Wow, hello xanga. It's been almost a year since my last post. I can either blame the same internet laziness that causes me not to use AIM, or that I've tried to stay busy with other things, whatever the reason it doesn't matter, I just know I need to type for some clarification of things that have been flying around my head for the past year or two, which a number of things have happened. Of course there's been self progress, stress, fun, more stress, overall the usual up and downs of life. Other than me, shout out to friends and others who graduated this year, it definitely won't be the same without you all. We've also had a couple of losses of people that were able to touch my life, r.i.p Jennifer B. and a close hs friend of mine Timus, I swear we were just chillin spring break and I couldn't believe the news, I'm glad you enjoyed that mix cd I made for you while you were here man.

I've been waiting for this summer for a while now, and since it's here I'm definitely enthused. Summers usually means a lot to me. The weather becomes nice, longer days, more free time to get things done, in my eyes it's like a new beginning. Screw Jan. 1st, summer is my start of the new year. Usually around this time I like rant about new goals in life, long term and short of how I'm going to "start a revolution" and yatta yatta yatta, all that bullshit I say and only barely half of my goals get done. I guess that's the reality of dreaming, but in all truth I am very disappointed with myself, as I have been for the pass year or so. Stuck in this long bout of what seems self-imposed depression because I blame myself, and the cycle goes on and on. Do I actually enjoy the pains of failing? Do I get satisfaction or some sort of motive to continue this "self imposed struggle?" The question I ask myself, which seems ironic, that how can I be so "aware" of this "self-imposed" depression and not change? I think there are two major awakenings in my life that also happen to other people, just not the same way. The first one I call the "awakening of the internal," awareness of emotions and social issues that mostly everyone witnesses in their own life, and the "awakening of the external," awareness of the world that happens outside us. I know this reasoning is not new, and I'm not really a fan of dichotomies, but this is for my own use so I can backtrack and understand what the hell I was trying to say. I swear it seems I didn't pay attention to what was going on outside my life until around 6th grade, and with this "external awakening," I had found a whole new world to explore, that I wanted to learn so much from and about. From mostly music, to philosophies, cultures, I wanted to not only learn, understand, and communicate, but understand from another's p.o.v., and this same thought process I took to a personal level and try to understand why people around me did something or thought the way they do. I just wanted to observe more and more, and balance it all in my head to see if I could find a reasonable answer to the woes of life, to come close to this perfection that even though I know can not be attained, I thought that I could push the boundaries of being human compassion to a new level that would inspire the world to think on another level. Of course the more and more I saw the tragedies, sufferings, and day to day struggles of others, knowing that there are some things in life you just have no control over. I just can't get over it. Life in this world from my p.o.v. seems to be a lose-lose situation for anyone, rich or poor, because what I think is that a lot of things we do result in temporary satisfaction, and that in this world we can never truly be completely satisfied. I can never truly be free here, so I guess that's why I won't be sad when it's time to pass on, only disappointed if I don't try to take on my master plan. From this I decided that even though I think human desires are ok, especially dreams people have to reach their goals, I did not want to have to fufill my desires by taking away someone elses chance to survive and fufill their own. Of course that thought is so naive, because a lot of the things we do affect others, and in a sense make this world go round. Hell, the fact that I'm at U of I means I knocked someone else's chance of going to this school, but did I not deserve it? I'll never know. Why am I focusing on the negative side of life so much? I don't know, I just can't help but see it. Still I do see the positive all around me, from friends, family, people in general, and it helps me go on.

She once asked me, "Why are you always smiling?" She told me that I was too nice and it seemed so fake. I much as I didn't want to believe it, it's true. From my arguments against myself, I decided that if I could try to go that extra step, to be nice to others, it would somehow make the world a better place. I self disciplined myself to control some of my emotions, and in the process I sort of lost a natural feel, becoming machine like was my goal. I just wanted to be able to go through anything, overcome any obstacle, and if things were hard or stressing, I would constantly tell myself everything is cool, even though it was far from "cool." Is this the machine I wanted to become? I just wanted true peace, and in a way it has helped me understand and feel true, raw energy like I never could before. Yet now, I can't control that smile. I want to see the positive in a lot of things, and that smile became natural for me, as a sign of understanding, whether or not a person may think I don't. It's my confirmation to seeing beyond more than what's on that surface, behind those eyes. I probably will never stop smiling a lot now. I could reprogram, but I don't think it's needed at the moment. I really do appreciate her, she has brought me a new p.o.v. to think from that I've needed for a while to step out of my own world and notice the changes that are happening to and around me. Maturity is weirding me out, and this whole growing up thing has me in disbelief. This is good.

So maybe I need a little bit of stress, a feeling of urgency in my life. Just so I won't settle for things being "cool," or saying "everything's going to work out, " because it's not. And everything is not cool. Wake up. No more pep talk, I'm tired of it. I'm still looking very forward to this summer though. Got summer school and work in Chambana, plus I'm training for the LaSalle Bank Chicago Marathon now, which will be in October, and raising money for GK777, a project to build homes for families in the Philippines. So it's already become a busy summer for me, helping out at home, the neighborhood and the auto shop, my back hurts, and I'm tired from a light night run. I may be screwed up mentally, but one thing I know for sure is that I am determined and hopefully I never stop trying. I just wanted to call myself out in the open to see why these mental games I play keep going on. More analysis needed.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 00:00:25 GMT

Damn man, my body is kinda sore right now cause I just finished practicing not too long ago, banged my ankle up a couple of times while trying to get windmills down, but it's all good, I lived to dance another day. Mark went back home this weekend, I hope this week was a good break for him. Overall this week was ok, it's around that midterm time, so I had my second physics exam friday which I did ok on, and I have another exam tomorrow for spanish. This past week I also signed my lease for the next school year, yeah I know I'm all late about it and shit, it's cool though since Yan will be my roommate, but we're gonna have to work our behinds off to pay the rent. Gosh, so much to do.

So, I'm still behind on what's been going down here, but I don't feel like typing a freakin paper about it, so it's summary time. So after IL Breaks chilled at home back in the Chi for the 4th of July. It felt kinda weird being home, especially in the middle of school since I'm used to not going home at all until the semester is over, or the week long breaks. Had some barbeque, got to see the grandfather, my crazy auntie and some other random people. I was ready to come back to Champaign though, I don't like going home really anymore because I feel so useless, and I start turning into this angry person, especially when I talk to my mother, I have to watch myself even when we're on the phone, and that's not cool. The weekend after that was Bert's birthday, so he came down here from Chicago to chill with us, haha it was cool. We got drunk, chilled at some house and then chilled at Perkins. So for the last week it was chill, hung out with Mark when I could, practice, and school. Ah man, I also watched The Killers with Mike and Jason, man that movie was inspiring, even though the movie was tragic as hell, I put it on my best of all times movie list, and I really don't have too many of those. Too much stuff on my mind lately, I'm gonna go play with my little kid's recorder I got from Target and see how many songs I can play on it now. Maybe then I can move up to a real flute or something, I still want an ocarina.